Sex Work & Heartbreak
Updated: Feb 23, 2022
I always knew that there would be days where I just didn't feel like putting on makeup and playing the part of a sexy fantasy, no one wants to do their job 100% of the time, no matter how much they enjoy it. Sometimes I'm feeling under the weather, sometimes I want to focus on other tasks at home that need to get done and feel like I have to rush to create content. Most of these are fairly painless issues that don't affect work for too long.
But what happens when your job is to project a fantasy of being wanted and sexy, and someone makes you feel anything but?
Recently, I had a bit of a bout pandemic depression mixed with a side of heartbreak. I felt rejected, unloveable, undesired, lonely. I kept trying to make content, but I felt as though every photo I took made me look dead behind the eyes. My heart just wasn't in it. I would put on my best lingerie, do my makeup, put on some fun music and it took everything I had to even get 5 useable shots for content. Not to mention - how am I supposed to feel sexy when I've barely showered in days and spent all my time in sweatpants? How am I supposed to project this confidence and desirability when my head is filled with thoughts about how I'm just not good enough?
Valentine's Day reared its head and I was excited to have a few virtual dates with subscribers, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel disappointed that the reason I was able to hold virtual dates was because I didn't have a real date to go to, that I didn't have a special someone to brag about online or to cuddle with.
There's this weird feeling that happens with sex work that I don't think people talk about often enough. The disconnect between being an object of desire for hundreds, if not thousands of people (y'know, not to brag) but not being wanted by the person you hope wants you back. It causes such a strange feeling to know that people want your body, yearn for it, send thousands of dollars just for the chance to see you naked and speak to you, but the people who know you - truly know you - aren't interested. It's the eternal dilemma - what do you do when you're good enough to fuck (or jerk off to), but not good enough to date? I've struggled with feeling wanted for years, not just romantically, but feeling accepted in friend groups, with family, hell, even bosses. So being in an industry that is so reliant on desire can be tricky on the head. Especially when you know that people are desiring a fantasy.
I've had subscribers and followers tell me they love me, that they'd do anything to date me, that they'd make me so happy if only I gave them a bit of my time. But they only know the me I project through work - the confident version of myself that I hope to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty similar to the person I am online as I am in person, but I'm certainly more self-assured and flirtatious in my work life. So it's sometimes hard to feel comforted by these words from people who don't even know my real name. How can you proclaim to want me so much when you don't even know who I really am?
I've worked through major breakups before, through the deaths of loved ones, through other hardships and put a smile on my face and pushed through. But none of those jobs required me to look my best or to have a certain "come hither" look. None of those jobs required me to be in lingerie and cum on camera as if I actually felt horny in any way. Imagine being on the verge of tears but needing to give your all to someone because you know they're counting on you to make their day better.
It's all made harder knowing that I'm a one-woman show. My income is directly related to how much work I put into my job, and when my motivation is close to zero, it means I'm not doing those extra things I should. I'm not camming, creating exciting new content, collaborating with others (hell, my stunt dick came over but I was in no shape to fuck on camera so there goes another few thousand dollars out the window). It's a bad cycle where you then beat yourself up for not creating enough, but not being able to create because you feel too shitty.
I'm not sure there's a point to this blog, other than to vent about how difficult it can be to always be "on", especially when depression creeps in, for whatever the reason. I'm so grateful that my subscribers were understanding when I took a few extra days to create content or when I missed a day or two of posts because I just couldn't be bothered to dress myself up that day.
Remember: as much as sex workers are a fantasy, we're real people behind the curtain after everything is said and done and real life creeps up even when we don't want it to.
To my fellow sex workers: know that you're worthy, you're wonderful, beautiful and resilient.
Be gentle with yourselves and each other.